Saturday 17 June 8:03 am
I can't sleep again, i been months like this, so today i'm gonna start this thing, hopefully i can get rid of this poison inside of me, by writing all my thoughts and s**t that just doesn't let me sleep.

My name is Juan, some people know me for the name of Blink and this is my history:
I'm 21 years old, my birthday is on 27 september and i'm from Argentina, also, medium class, i finished high school and then i started working on my family's business since im 17 till the point i became the boss of the store, i thought it was nice but.. the years passed by and i realized way too late how distant i became of my friends, my family, i barely had time for them, working 15 hours a day or more, i got depressed, very depressed, even though im a man of no emotions, inside i was dying.
when i was a child my dad left me, i never knew what a parent hug would be, or one of those "good luck son" nah, for s**t like that my emotions sucks, i dont know how to express myself, im really quiet and calm. my biological dad is living on spain, with a sister i barely know. I live with my mom, sister and stepdad, i also have a brother older than me.
at the age of 20 i decided to try online games, starting with celestia luna online, were i had my first ever online relationship, it wasn't that bad, her name was Adriana, and she was amazing, we barely talked but when we do, it was great, then Adriana brought me to this game, Gaia online, and since then, s**t went real. Adriana stopped talking to me and becoming distant, she was way too busy looking for items and stuff, she had an addiction to this game, what happen next is, our relationship wasn't working anymore and i had no idea in what i was wrong, one night she decided to talk me about something, she was dating someone else behind me.. but she didn't knew how to tell me, and yeah that hurted so ******** much but i survived, we kept being friends and one day, she disappeared, till this day i have no idea where she's at, i just hope she's okay.
The same day we broke up, I met someone else, her name was Olivia, really kind and nice, we used to talk a lot at first, till one day she told me she liked me and i was like "but how".. because shet, i'm not a person who flirts or anything, i just tend to talk about random stuff a lot, anyways, its the first person who i actually talk in a call, and i did my very best to talk english as well as possible, im glad she didn't laugh like crazy when i started talking since i never took english classes, all i know if from the internet. months passed and we were a couple already, i had a good group of friends in gaia, Tae, Levi, Lysh, Zai and others. Real life was going great, work was fine and family was stable, i used to hang out a lot with my friends and everything was alright, i thought i was happy, but i never had the hope it would last long.
I woke up with my mom crying on the kitchen, she told me my aunt was suffering of cancer, she wouldn't had much time unless we pay for a special treatment, which was very expensive. I was way to stressed and upset about it, but i keep hidding it, i couldn't tell my girlfriend or my friends, i never wanted anyone to feel bad for me or to try and help me, when it's obviously they cant, so i helped as much as i could... till i couldn't hold it anymore, i cried on a call with my girlfriend, i never thought i would tbh, i felt so weak, i felt exposed to all those feelings who just destroys you... i dont know how to explain that feeling but i felt i was in hell.
A few days later my mom asked me if i could stay at the hospital with my aunt, since anybody else could for some specific problems, I accepted obviously, i remember i had a fight with my girlfriend that night, i was way to stressed to think properly, i wasn't thinking on the damage i was doing on the people i love. That night my aunt died. my family and I were destroyed... specially my uncle, who also was diagnosed with lung cancer and some other stuff.
I was weak, I couldn't believe what was happening.. but thanks to my friends and my girlfriend i was able to survive that moment.
It's november already and I met someone, a really good person, her name was Ana, and it was amazing because we had so many stuff in common that we never actually stopped talking since we met.
My uncle needed a really expensive and caring treatment for his cancer, so i had to sell some stuff and borrow money from the bank since im the only one im the family without debts, i accepted doing it since i love my uncle. but how can you save someone... when that person has no will to live? the death of his wife (my aunt) was catastrophic for him. he didnt wanted to live anymore and it was depressing me so much, also i had troubles at work because of the extremely low clients i had and all the high prizes, plus.. my relationship with Olivia was getting worse and worse and it was all my fault, i was way too depressed and distracted by all the stuff happening, plus she wasn't okay with everything either, we barely used to call because i had no energy for that, and she used to get mad or really upset about it, and that s**t hurted me so much back then.. i was suffering a lot and seeing the person i love getting hurted by me is just a pain i cant describe, Ana was always helping me with my relationship, she was really worried for it and for me, i finally had a friend who i could actually talk about my problems in case i couldn't talk with my girlfriend.
Days passed by and I broke up with Olivia, I hurted her really bad, this was on christmas, i felt like the biggest piece of crap, nobody should be alone on a christmas season. But I was doing was I thought It was correct, I was hurting her, and she was hurting me, It wasn't very good for any of us... I couldn't handle it.
It's new years eve, 2017 is coming, everyone is at the party, and while i'm with most of my family im also wishing a new year to my real life friends and my online friends.
At 1am I start having a discussion with my uncle after he said " i wish i could just disappear from this world" and made my grandma cry, i yelled at my uncle, i called him a coward, i was really mad, so he looked at me and told me something i keep remembering every night of my life: "I can't recognize you anymore Juan". As I left the room and grabbed the car, i went to a friend's house to say hi and drink some alcohol.
When I came back to my grandma's house to pick up some stuff i forgot at 4am, I wanted to wake up my uncle, who was sleeping on the guests room, to apologize about what happened and to talk seriously about his situation, but he wasn't there, confused, i go to the bathroom just to find the door locked, there was a duplicated of the key in a box so i opened the door and i saw it, my uncle hanged, without life or anything, i stood there and i panicked as i was trying to take him down, then my grandma comes in and she sees my uncle on the floor dead, she starts to cry and she's starting to have heart problems, and finally, faint.
The ambulance didn't took long, it was 6am and I was at the hospital waiting for some news of my grandma, i saw my mom crying and i got mad, i got mad because i knew it was my fault... what if i never had a discussion with him? would he still be alive? i was angry, i grabbed the only thing i was in my pocket (my iphone) and i smashed it against the wall destroying the screen and most of the phone, then i punched the wall multiple times, and i broke a finger and part of my hand.
I went home destroyed and without any will of seeing anyone, i isolated myself for a few days, i just heard my mom crying and offering me food sometimes, but i was way too depressed, i couldnt even do anything, all i had in my mind was about the discussion and the image of him hanged.
I had an ugly phone now, I was still at my room, I needed the phone to message someone and tell that person about my uncle, but i had no way to contact any of my online friends.
I thought of killing myself that day, i couldn't support it, it was too much, all the money problems, my break up with olvia, the work problems and now my uncle, i was lost, i grabbed a gun and i putted it on my desk, and when i was about to grab it, my phone rings, it was a new message from WhatsApp, even though nobody knew about what happened, It was weird because i know nobody messages me there, so i watch it and.. it was Ana, somehow she had my number and she asked me why i disappeared, i think i never told her about the gun but.. i actually think she saved me from ending my life, i told her about what happened and she gave me a huge reason to stand up and wall forward... if i only had her in real life i would literally hug her so tight, ill always be thankful for having such a friend.
a month passed after that, and i was liking Ana way too much by now, work was starting to be great again, i had a good contract and the money struggles started to fade away, and Ana always kept me distracted from what happened with my uncle, i couldn't believe it but, i was slowly, really slowly, falling in love with her, she liked me, no idea how since... yeh.. i never flirted with her or anything but i wanted to give it a try, since we had everything in common, she was perfect for me.
On february 12 we officially became a couple, and everything was starting to be amazing again, I had no problems or anything, I was okay. I started to workout thanks to Ana, and I tried to get into a college, i failed but atleast i tried, i was rebuilding my life again and i had the best support of my life, even though she was far away from me, i always felt like she were right next to me.
It's April 12, and I have a big surprise for Ana since its our anniversary, I finally had the tickets and the house rented to visit her in a couple months, but right before I could tell her she tells me she was going to the cinema with her friends.. to watch Fast and furious, and I'll be honest but, I never in my life trusted someone so much like i trusted Ana but I knew she was lying, Fast and furious was gonna be released on 13th april, and it was 12... so i dont know what to say... i just told her good luck and take care as always, deep inside.. i knew something was gonna happen that night.
She comes back 7 hours later, instantly telling me that her ex boyfriend came back, that she feels confused, that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. from a day to another... she completely changed, i couldn't recognize her, i was confused and i felt so pathetic, i felt like i was nothing, i felt dead again.
Insomia attacks since that day, sleeping an hour or two per day, i was destroyed again, but this time... completely alone, nobody to talk with about my problems, nobody to hug or anything like that, completely left alone, Ana barely talked me after that day, how can she just stop talking to me from a day to another? and how can she just be okay with that? it makes me wonder so much... was any of this real? was I something for her? or i was just an experiment? i really thought she was gonna be the girl of my life, she was just perfect in everything... then i looked myself on a mirror... who would want to be with me? that's just stupid...

I will keep with this journal some other day, but i legit needed to throw all that s**t and i have much more.